The Adventures of Professor Bicycle
by scrummybunny
Summary: I'm afraid this doesn't feature plausible romance, angsty inner torture, or a plot. Sorry. But if you like it random, this is for you!
1. Intro to Underwater Basketweaving

A/N: For those of you out of the loop, here's an excerpt from JKR's site.

**The mysterious 'Icicle'**

_I have been told that I once promised a character with this name during an interview. I can only think that someone misheard what I said because at no stage have I ever planned a character called 'Icicle'._

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_Professor Bicycle, on the other hand, will be a key figure in books six and seven.'_

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_'this is a joke_

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* * *

Professor Bicycle was a lonely, lonely woman. The most forgotten professor that taught the most important course. A subject that affects us all, in some way or another. One that shapes our lives each and every day.  
  
Underwater Basketweaving.  
  
Unfortunately, because that prick Dumbledore was Headmaster, few students knew that they could take such a subject. What a shame. Many lessons are learned through underwater basketweaving. Lessons of _life_.  
  
Now, she had class. It was comprised of 7 people. Four of which were girls who resembled those in the movie _Mean Girls_ (or those crazy children in Teen Girl Squad), two wannabe-goth kids who made out all the time, and a boy who was tragically in love with Professor Bicycle. Oprah and Dr. Phil made special guest appearances, especially on episodes entitled "And now, for a _very_ special episode of The Adventures of Professor Bicycle...".  
  
"W-T-F, ClArA, wut R u werin?!?!" cried a Plastic student.  
  
"TaMara, eff u!!!11" cried Clara in a similar manner. These girls like to cry their words. It was a sad, sad thing.  
  
"Baa," said a goat.   
  
"Now, now, Billy!" chuckled Professor Bicycle, "now's not the time to get dis_goat_ted!"  
  
Everyone laughed at her fantastic pun. Especially Blaise Zabini, the one canon character who was in this class. Who we now know is a boy.   
  
OR IS HE?  
  
"Listen, Franniechescanananana..." said Blaise in a heartfelt voice. If one could feel said voice, said one could assure said you that it was as hearty as a voice could feel.  
  
Professor Bicycle blushed. "Silly Zabini! Don't call me by my first name! Trix are for kids!"  
  
They all laughed at her wonderful pun. Except for the Trix Rabbit, who cried in shame. And the wannabe-goth couple. They were scowling beneath their oversized Slipknot hoodies.  
  
"I'm angsty." said one. With a period, even though it's grammatically incorrect.  
  
"Word." replied the other. They were too depressed to have actual names.  
  
"Who wants hot dogs?" asked Professor Bicycle.  
  
"I do!" screamed everyone at the _same time_, and they all grinned at each other because of that, and gave each other some rad high-fives. It ended on a freeze frame like an extremely cheesy 80's sitcom in PoA.  
  
END!!1  
  
...or is it?  
  
Will Blaise proclaim his undying love? Will Professor Bicycle check on JKR's website, become excited for a moment, then cry some dramatic, Emmy-winning tears? Will I ever actually include all of the students? Will they achieve some mad underwater basketweaving skillz? Does anyone actually care about all this?  
  
And the most important question... _where's the meat?_  



	2. Samara's Flight

Part Two...Crossover features Mark Evans OMG!!

  
"Now, now, Mark," said Professor Bicycle, "that's not the way to climb the Pillar of Storge! Go away, you damn sissy!"  
  
Mark Evans ran away, crying. He joined the Trix Rabbit in their crying corner of shame. That Professor Bicycle was vicious.  
  
"Com ON proffie!!11" cried Alara, "u wer SO meen OMG"  
  
Tamara silently nodded. Her neck did not let out a creak, lemme assure you. Except it cried a bit, but that particular clique cries everything so let's ignore that.  
  
"BiThc!" cried Clara to Samara (Ha! I've included all the students by now! Victory is MIIIINE!).  
  
"d00d," muttered Samara with slight weeping action, "that's a mad typo."  
  
"Samara, you didn't cry that! Err...EbOnIcZz," cried Tamara. They proceded to kick Samara out of their group. Literally. Samara, rubbing her shins, tried talking to Billy and the Trix Rabbit.  
  
"So, Billy...it's a relief to not cry things anymore. And to not type talk in ebonics anymore."  
  
"Baa," wisely replied Billy.  
  
"Yeah," shouted Samara with a fierce-like-Tony-the-Tiger glare, "well, I'm rubber and you're glue! Think about that, _Bill_!" Tony the Tiger later sued her, but that's another story for another time.  
  
Samara stalked off to join Blaise Zabini. The nerve of that goat.   
  
"Blaise, my friend...what is happening?" inquired Samara.  
  
"Did Professor Bicycle get a new mailing address, nevermind the fact that we're both living in this castle? 'Cause my rose arrangements got sent back to me."  
  
"What did they say?" asked Samara suspiciously. One could see lightbulbs forming above her head, not yet turned on. Mickey Mouse was sitting behind her, ready to light 'em up.  
  
He shrugged. "Nothing offensive. 'REVOKE THE RESTRAINING ORDER AND LET'S MAKE SOME BABIES!' What beautiful woman wouldn't want that?" He lovingly patted the lock of hair that he had just pulled from the professor's head. Just then, she had turned around and made eye contact with Blaise.  
  
"Frannie. I loooo--"  
  
Just then, with a deafening 'Baaaaaaa!', Billy leaped onto Blaise, not letting him finish those fateful words. Blaise would have died, if there wasn't a doctor in the house.  
  
Dr. Phil.  
  
"I'm not a real doctor, man."  
  
Fine then. He landed on Oprah.  
  
"Wanna talk about your feelings?" she asked.  
  
"No thanks," said Blaise.  
  
"Children, let's try a new concept," cried Professor Bicycle, "why don't we weave baskets...underwater?"  
  
"I thought Mark Evans was in charge of that." said a goth kid. Nameless goth kid's nameless girlfriend breathed a sigh of relief that they were finally being mentioned.  
  
She shrugged. "He's busy with Harry. Being a great-aunt isn't an easy job."  
  
"You're telling me!" cried Mark Evans, sipping tea from the Mystic Kettle of Nackledirk.  
  
"You're _aunt_agonizing me!" shouted Professor Bicycle with a wide, wise-cracking grin.   
  
Everyone, including that pesky laugh track, chuckled a bit. Oh, Professor.


End file.
